Thanks to all of you for your posts. I have read each of them so many times. I have read them every night and then I meditate on what is in my heart. I forgave my father for an unimaginable act...it took years but I did. I am still in his life and love him. I know I can forgive...but I did spend a lot of years pissed off and not ready to forgive my father too. I think I may need a lot of time...hard to forgive my RAH for his trangressions when he keeps lying and adding to the list too!
My RAH told me he was going out on the road for 15 days with this band he has been playing with. These are the people he did his drugs with and had cover for him when he cheated...it was with these people that he met and hung out with one of his "girlfriends". I told him that I don't trust him now and that I am working on learning to forgive him and trust him but that it is a process of time. I told him that him leaving now to go on the road with them is something I shouldn't be expected to deal with yet and that if he goes it will change everything for me.
I didn't want to make an ultimatum (b/c I wanted him to do the right thing on his own) so I was vague but I think I will----a chance to reconcile with me or do play music with them, what is more important? You will get what you ask for and settle for what you accept...so I should be willing to stand up for what I think I deserve and nothing less. (He won't make that much money so it isn't a financial issue though he tries to use that as an excuse to go).
I doubted myself for a moment, asking myself ,is this codie crazy controllling behavior? But my heart said no. It is reasonable to ask this of him. If he is really ready to dedicate himself to me as he says he is, then let him put his cards on the table.
My grandma told me "if a man ain't willing to walk 2 miles just to bring you a candybar, then you don't need him"...this story is sweet when you consider how poor my grandpa was who was buying that candybar and taking it to her miles away because no one had a car. She had something there...If a man isn't willing to show up for me when I need him to the most...then he isn't worth keeping around, especially when he didn't deserve this last chance anyway.
Thanks...just my thoughts tonight.