Yes it makes perfect sense. I still walk around the house after he leaves after a drunken fight thinking way too much about him instead of what I could be doing for me. I force myself to put the focus back on myself. But I have to do it every 10 minutes. I guess eventually it will become every 15, then 20, etc. Learned behavior. And more detachment.
My mom is textbook codependent. I know I learned some of my behaviors from the environment we lived in. Almost all the men in her life were addicts or recovering addicts. This is my first and I'm 40. I am codependent in some ways, but not to the extreme. I'm not the kind that needs to run his schedule, rescue, make up lies to cover up, etc. And I found out that when I was doing things that were correct like focusing more on myself and letting him suffer his own consequences (like not waking him up in the morning after a stupor when he is more than capable to set his own alarm) he would acuse me of being selfish and I would then question myself. Originally I would think to myself that I'm not his mother and it's his responsibility to wake his own butt up in the morning, but then after he would get done ranting and raging at me then I would end up questioning myself. That's more the stuff I do. I lose my own grounding when around him. I would also put my 2 cents in where it wasn't asked and try to get him to see that he needs to do something about his drinking. I would call him a drunk when we were fighting and engage in yelling and arguing to my own detriment. Also spend hours trying to reason with him drunk, which he would then turn around during the fight and throw back in my face what kind of fool am I trying to reason with him. It was like he played a game with me and then felt superior because he won and pointed out how foolish I was being. And he was right but it would make me so mad because I was spending hours trying to help him and then he would use it against me. I don't give him that power anymore. And when I tell him that he only wants to have these talks when he's drunk and he says well you never want to bring anything up when I'm sober, I just walk away now. I don't argue. I just say I am not entertaining his nonsense and come inside and go about my business. I must say I'm not calm inside. I don't let him know that he rattles me, but I am still stressed. I hate that the most. But I do calm down much quicker now. Anger begets anger. I know that. It seems so simple but I couldn't see it before. I kept thinking that if he can get angry with me, I can get angry back. He'll suffer my wrath if I have to suffer his. That's just not good for my mental health. It's a slow process, but I'm learning.
Jenny