Here is a story (so let us all gather round the campfire for an Elana Story... ):
When I was in High School I felt ugly. I wanted STRAIGHT hair even if it couldn't be BLOND and STRAIGHT. The POPULAR GIRLS all had straight hair and mostly they were also blond. I thought it was all about looks.
I spent money straightening my hair. I spent time.. hours.. on my looks. I was always making sure my hair and me was not out of place. This was the early 70's..
The ONLY time I relaxed any of this was when I did things with my horses or dog or cat or when I worked on the farm or went hunting.... The rest of the time I worked very hard at fitting in.. hiding my artistic talents.. trying to BE LIKE THE POPULAR GIRLS..... and working on my looks.
I figured when I saw a group of kids laughing or talking it was about me.. and I was NOT popular (but I DID get along with everyone and I never recognized this unique and good part of me until later in life.. I wasn't MOST popular but I could fit anywhere).
Anyway.. that was HS.. Now fast forward to College. First Semester. I drove to school to save money (lived at home) and worked on the farm. I hunted. Well, opening day of deer season found me skinning my boss's deer and time ran on.. I had to get to school and ALL I COULD DO WAS SHOWER AND GO!!!! OMG.. My HAIR was a MESS!!! OMG OMG!!! I was stressed..
so, I get to class.. and immediately I get TWO COMPLIMENTS ON ME HAIR. Next class, similar results.. compliments. I KNEW it was only different from how I normally looked.. not better cuz it was a MESS....
By the end of the day, it dawned on me. Honestly, I was never really noticed. I changed the way I looked (by default) and they noticed the CHANGE.
From that day forward I recognized my PLACE in the universe. I am not at the top nor at the bottom. I am squarely ME. I decided on that day to NEVER waste HOURS trying to MAKE my looks perfect again. NO ONE WAS LOOKING THAT HARD.. they were all looking at THEIR OWN REFLECTIONS, not mine!
Ahhhh.. sweet relief... and since then (age 18) I have taken care of my looks but I never again obsessed about them.. and when I saw a group talking or laughing I KNEW it was not about me.
Learning this lesson set me free. I stayed free on this one thing, in spite of my alcoholic husband and in spite or my XABF.
I am a grain of sand on the beach. I am pretty much the same as the other grains of sand to anyone looking at the beach. The thing that makes me different is my attitude about me, not others perceptions of me or my perception of what they think of me.
With recovery I am a happy grain of sand. I do just fine and that is truly good enough!