My thinking is much like Anvil's -- the word "deserve" is not one that I use very often. Do I "deserve" to be happy? "Deserve" to enjoy a great cup of coffee, a sunset, a kiss, a morning all to myself? Do I deserve to eat? To breathe? To be alive? To go to the bathroom?
Deserve is such a ridiculous word, in my view. We ALL deserve all of the great things that life as human beings has to offer. The question is: what will we allow ourselves to seize?
I chose to seize positivity. Thought it was incredibly strange-feeling at first, and phony-feeling, I thought about all of the different ways to live, and chose to start shutting dark negative things out of my life left and right, instead FORCING myself to focus on what was going to propel me forward toward joy....even if it meant devoting all my spare time to working on it (therapy, even antidepressents briefly)
Pardon my french in advance, but, in order to achieve that, HK, I had to get myself an inner champion who taught me the "F You" reflex. Soooo hard, for someone like me who is quiet and acquiesced to everything all my life. But in order to choose joy, it takes a certain amount of courage -- WHICH CAN BE LEARNED -- to stand up in the face of pain, fear, and misery. An inner champion is your personal bodyguard, your secret service agent, your bouncer, who would do anything for you. And in the face of the chance to be miserable, they flex their muscles, smile -- and say for you, "Don't bring that around me, dude. That's not how I'm living from here on out. F You, I'm just not going to do it that way any more, thanks anyway, now scram."
I am NOT a brave person. I am NOT special, or different, or evolved. I just practiced. A lot. For years. And it helps that my inner champion is a righteous bada$$
Contrary to what most TV programs, movies, magazines, popular songs, and books have to say, keeping one's self in perpetual drama & misery is about as glamorous and honorable as sticking yourself in the eye with a fork. If there is nothing else on earth worth fighting for, developing the courage to be positive and joyous IS. Hugs and strength that you continue to move toward it, and that you learn to say "F You" to whatever it is that threatens to drag you back into old negative behaviors and thought patterns....
Love, GL the Queen of the Loving F You