I'm sorry Bonbon for all of the pain you're experiencing right now. I don't have any better advise then what everyone has already said. I need to listen to that same advise. I pretty much feel the same way about myself lately.
I have the same questions that you have. How do you let go and turn it over to our HP?
Hopefully when you figure it out you'll let me know or vise versa.
You have more courage than you think you do right now. Your courage is one of the things that I admire about you. Today - is a new day and if today doesn't look any brighter then there's always tomorrow.
Love Ya,
Galnva