I've always taken care of myself and love it. If I were doing what you are now (which I've done back in the day LOL) I would ask myself why I'm going to a well that is dry. I absolutely understand wanting to share quality time with someone else, but why go to a source who can't give it? If I'm willing to only give myself crumbs, then that is what I will get.
It IS hard, az, I don't know what else to say.
Someone asked about no contact - that is about peace of mind and serenity for me. I maintain no contact because my life is better that way. You are the only one who knows if making contact brings peace and serenity to your life.
((()))