Welcome, although I'm new here as well. I so much related to your story. I knew I was drinking myself to death but for whatever reason I couldn't turn it off. AA helped a ton but I still never even lasted a month (and that only happened one time in 3 years of saying "Monday I'll stop drinking..." (Monday seems to always be when I'm going to start dieting, or begin exercising, or getting my house unpacked
I will admit I'm a very strong person and never drank, nor was tempted until I was 32 and my girlfriend on her 21st birthday begged me to drink with her. Her wish came true and was my biggest mistake. I don't blame her at all, nor my DH, who I began seriously drinking with. It was all new to me.
I was an extremely high functioning alcoholic. I had a six figure income and was able to cover my ass. It was obvious to my co-workers as I began spiralling deeper. My boss said to me on at least 3 occassions, "I don't care if you're mentally insane, a drug addict, or an alcoholic. All creative geniuses are. We're just lucky to have you."
All this to say, I couldn't stop. In fact, I dreampt ever night about trying to find where I'd hid my liquor, or being on a vacation with my family (who are deeply religious and have never drank) and trying to sneak off for a quick second to run to a bar.
For me it literally took almost dying. Hopefully it won't be as dramatic for you. All I can say is that the ONLY thing that saved my life, is I turned to my higher power and cried and prayed throughout the day for at least two months, begging Him for a second chance. I haven't had a temptation to drink, nor those dreams, once I put my life in His hands.
I'm a very spiritual person and for me, this was the only thing that saved me. Trying to find the light when I was in the dark. AA is the most inspired program I've ever been a part of (in fact, I wish my church was more like an AA meeting.) If you just go, you'll begin to feel it, and soon, you'll crave that love and support much more than alcohol. You could come in after downing a big bottle of Vodka, and people would hug you and tell you they're proud of you for coming to the meeting. It's completely without judgement. I realize only an addict can relate to my insanity with addictions. I master one and find a new one. Last week it was Ibuprofen PM (imagine how embarassing it would be to die from that after surviving kidney and renal failure?) This week I've stayed away from Ibuprofen (it seriously damages your kidneys for those of you who don't know that, I didn't) and now am eating salty foods and sweets from generally 11 p.m. until 1 a.m. even though I have a surgically reduced stomach and the fact that my regaining my health put me at my thinnest EVER, I literally don't recognize myself in the mirror and people don't recognize me so I have to remind them who I am-- all that to say I don't think I'll drink again because I love my new body so much and am so much more comfortable. My DH can actually hold me in his arms and I feel teensy and protected, a feeling so soothing. So why the hell am I not drinking and binging? I don't know. I only know I have a self-destruct button that I need to find and turn off. I haven't been going to AA since I was feeling so "in control", um denial, and am going with my DH tomorrow to ask for input and support.
Feel free to e-mail me anytime, I'm new to sobriety as well, and learn something new every day. But I will say at the risk of coming off too spiritual, that I begin to slowly make teensy mistakes that snowball when I feel "in control" and forget to pray each day and night asking Him to continue holding on to me as I put my life in His. I couldn't control it myself and He's doing a great job!
Still, I'm sure it's different for everyone. At least you posted, seriously, big hurrah for you. That is a major step whether you realize it or not. It's the beginning of regaining control of your life and finding inner serenity.
Good luck and I'll ask the big guy to help you out right now!
Jenn