Hey there Jill
You _are_ moving forward. It's just that we don't move in a straight line. You said you enjoyed talking to this nice gentleman. That is progress. You are allowed to feel sad and lonely because you have survived the most horrifying loss anybody can go thru. Any gentleman that you talk to is going to make you feel this way. That happened to me too when I first started talking to charming young ladies, and I have not gone thru half of what you have.
I know you can't see it right now, but you will in time. Each time you allow the sadness to resurface it becomes weaker. Each time you let those feelings go thru you and _out_ of you they fade a little more and _you_ become stronger. There was a time there when I gave up on kleenex and just used a towel, it was just silly to be taking out a whole trash bag full of kleenex every day.
You know what else I did? I focused myself on my art. I don't know why, but pain seems to bring out something different in my art. It both helps me heal and somehow it brings a different kind of intensity to my work. I've seen the pics of your porch, so I know what happiness can do for your creative spirit. Maybe you can use your gifts to help you heal.
I am praying for you tonight, Jill, and for Richard. He is free of the horrors of addiction, he really is in a much better place. This world was not good for him.
Mike