K.......................progress not perfection. Yes, of course, it would have been better (maybe) to sit quietly and 'discuss', however, we sometimes reach a point where we just have to BLOW UP.
Please do not feel guilty, YOU ARE HUMAN not a robot. Take some deep breaths and get on with today. Tonight if you choose you can apologize or not to hubby and/or daughter. Maybe, just maybe, your blow up got through to both of them and they are doing some analyzing and thinking today.
Remember, figure out exactly what your boundaries are, state those boundaries and stick to them, even if it causes a rift for a bit between you and hubby, he WILL get the picture.
I hope your hubby is attending or decides to attend alanon meetings. He will come to understand that he is prolonging the outcome. Maybe the best thing for both of you right now is.......................to close the door on her as my folks did on me. I was 33 1/2 yrs old and they told me in no uncertain terms that if I called they would hang up the phone (and they did) and that if I came to the door it would be shut in my face (it was). It took me another 2 1/2 yrs (the last 1 1/2 yrs living on the streets) to find recovery.
I can truly say that if they had continued to enable me I would probably have died. Instead I have had a great life in recovery.
I truly hope that doesn't happen to your daughter, but she has proven time and time again so far she is just NOT READY. All the 'rehabs' and 'sober living houses' in the world will not help her until she WANTS sobriety more than she wants to drink.
K, as a mom I know you love your daughter very much, however, you and hubby are not helping her by letting her come back home repeatedly. She has to take responsibility for her actions, the thefts, the lying, etc. Put her out, she will either end up at a friends (if she has any left) or a shelter. The shelter would be a rude awakening for her but possibly a very effective one.
Do not feel guilty. We all reach the end of our rope at some point. Keep posting, you know it helps. PM me if you need to.
Love and hugs,