maya23

i really don't know where to begin about tonight. Positives and negatives, and yes im sorry i am having a drink. but as much of a paradox as this sounds I feel tonight was a success. I knew deep down i would drink, but i think hey- i almost chickened out on the meeting and that would have been awful. I feel different drinking, like although the compulsion is here, I can sense, I just know now that if I go back (which of course I will) and work the steps, I'm going to beat this. (so please don't think im a hypocrit cos ive had 2 glasses of wine). I sort of... sense.. as if i know inside now that although I can't see how or the way yet, my sobriety is about to begin to come into fruition. This is going to be a rather confused post as theres so much in my head after 2night but il try 2 keep it concise although the order wil be random!

1. after a while of feeling uncomfortable, i felt a unity within that room that ive never felt before.

2. i feel proud, not ashamed for once. As you've said and I don't mean to sound boastful but it takes a lot of courage, and you have to swallow your pride to walk in there. I came out and thought of going home and talking to my mum about it like it was natural, like i was a school girl wanting to tell her mum what had happened at school. It was only then i realised she had thought i was at my friends house so i couldnt tell her. Normally when i feel that enthusiatic i think wow this is great but wouldnt it be better with a drink. This time i DIDNT. i felt elated, purely sober.

3. i was amazed at the turn out. it was packed. i live in windsor and thats not big but i was like- wow i'm not alone, and this disease is horrible but its ok, its not my fault just like its not these peoples fault.

4. a negative now, it went on 4eva and i was getting agitated like 'ffs would u shut up i wanna go home!' (im ashamed to admit that feeling cosi respect every1 in that room) but ive always been that way, i get panicky if im not home wen i had planned etc. sorry.

5. my mind kept changing unbelievably. one minute i was like this is good. it makes sense. then i was like 'serenity prayer?' 'higher power?' thats utter cr*p. Cos im finding it hard to believe. but then the guy sharing said he thought it was cr*p 2, it took him a while before he realised. which means im maybe not doomed... it also reminds me of something that happend 2 me recently. my parents were away and i was drinking more and more and i was scared. i went down to the cemetery where my nan's ashes are buried, and this was the first time i'd been since they were buried a year ago. I spoke, outloud to her and said 'Nanna, i need help'. I didn;t say why. A few days later my mum discovers i took a bottle of wine and drank it all by myself.... and i told her all about my depression (not the alcoholism yet), but it freakd me out.

6. finally (for now lol) this man gave me a copy of the big book and said 'read it' nicely. Leaving, i didn't feel ashamed to have it like i did when i left my 1st meeting with my newcomers stuff. i felt like 'yeh ok so i need this. just like a diabetic needs insulin, just like a cancer patient needs chemotherapy. what's there 2 be ashamed about?'

sorry for the long post and thanks for the encouragement. im actualy looking 4ward to the next one xxxxxxxxxxxxxx