I may not be able to acknowledge many "good" things about myself, but what I do KNOW is that I suffer from a tremendously low sense of self-worth and there is nothing intuitive about my distrust.
So much of his addiction, in my mind, I tied to a defect within me.
If he loved me enough- he wouldn't need to get high... Only now, after the damage has been done- have I come to accept that his addiction has NOTHING to do with me. (Actually I'm lying- the whole thing is so deeply embedded that I can conciously remind myself of the fallacy of all of this- but uprooting those hardwired connections is a whole other battle.) Internalizing this for months- without being able to detach and separate the two has been very deterimental to me. I must conciously isolate all destructive thoughts and expose their irrationality to myself conciously.
I think, for me at least, we forget our strength. I have been through so much in my life prior to even being involed with abf that I have managed to forge through. Sure, I have battle wounds, but they have made me who I am, and I have a different persepctive of life because of it. Unfortunately perspective not an easy place to arrive at. I believe every case is different. For me, I have a deeply wounded sense of self that results from SO many things I learned as a child. Undoing this seems so daunting. I am acutely sensitive to rejection and have a habit of putting my entire self of self worth in the palm of someone else- inevitably rendering me completely powerless.
I have sought outside help. I live in the city without a vehicle purely because I cannot afford one as I work part-time and am also a full-time student. I attend an Al-Anon meeting every week that is within walking distance. I am a veteran of therapy so psychological introspection is something I am extremely good at- it's the "change" part that stops me up. I am in the process of trying to find a new therapist as the technique of psychoanlaysis does not do much for me. I need someone who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy- someone who can help me restructure the irrational paradigms in my head.
I have been trying to breathe- to keep repeating to myself that I am powerless over another. There is nothing I can do to control them. I've felt so out of control of my own emotions so much of my life- existing largely as a reactive individual- that changing will be a process and at times I feel like I'm going insane.
I am trying to practice acceptance. Attempting to uncover all my flaws and things I would like to change and than becoming overwhelmed by them, only serves to keep me stuck. There are many facets about myself- my neediness, my low self-esteem and lack of confidence that I must accept without judgement. The judgement breeds that toxic shame that I am so notorious for carrying about with me, weighing me down and zapping the happiness, positivity and hope from many areas of my life.
I am sure it will change tomorrow, but I am trying to connect more with myself instead of rejecting me.
Thank you as always for your kind comments and wise words.