I am sorry you are hurting so bad... I read this, this last week on a post at something fishy that someone posted to somene who was afraid of dying. lol, of course I related it to you all here, Not the dying part, but seems like I'm always relating something back to you all in this forum, when I'm thinking listening, learning, even when I'm not here.
I don't know what you believe in, so you can read it in anyway you want too. I just found it very interesting..
But I find everything interesting, so maybe it's not.
But I'm posting it for you, in case it helps.
I read this recently, and it comforted me tremendously, maybe it'll help you too! Hang in there.
[This is by Henri Nouwen, a Catholic spiritual writer. He's talking with a circus performer on the trapeze about his life.]
One day, I was sitting with Rodleigh, the leader of the troupe, in his caravan, talking about flying. He said, "As a flyer, I must have complete trust in my catcher. The public might think that I am the greatest star of the trapeze, but the real star is Joe, my catcher. He has to be there for me with split-second precision and grab me out of the air as I come to him in the long jump."
"How does it work?" I asked.
"The secret," Rodleigh said, "is that the flyer does nothing and the catcher does everything: when I fly to Joe, I have simply to stretch out my arms and hands and wait for him to catch me and pull me safely over the apron behind the catchbar."
"You do nothing?" I said, surprised.
"Nothing," Rodleigh repeated. "A flyer must fly, and a catcher must catch, and the flyer must trust, with outstretched arms, that his catcher will be there for him."
When Rodleigh said this with so much conviction, the words of Jesus flashed through my mind: "Father into your hands I commend my Spirit." Dying is trusting in the catcher. Don't be afraid. Remember that you are the beloved child of God. He will be there when you make your long jump. Don't try to grab him; he will grab you. Just stretch out your arms and hands and trust, trust, trust."