Originally Posted by
embraced2000 
very tough question. but i have a very easy answer that worked for me in my relationship with my xh.......i found that his addiction had progressed to the point that even when he was sober, his thinking was very "out there"....so trying to hold a real conversation with him made as much sense as trying to purchase a loaf of bread at the hardware store.
all of our conversations were manipulated right back to the same crazy road.
after many years of trying to be supportive of his feelings, i learned that it was impossible as long as he was not into recovery.
i had to turn the focus on myself and be supportive of me.
very tough question.....no black or white here. lots of shades of grays...
I have found this to be the case,too,Jeri. Like Toby Rice Drews says (in "Getting Them Sober"
) even when they are not drinking, their brains are still being adversely effected by the alcohol (and the ISMs). It takes about 30 days (with NO drinking at all) just to get the alcohol out of the system...not to mention the damage and thinking twists that have occured.
My exAh talked like this....I felt badly,too until I realized what his "disease was saying" when he said this.....which was, "I liked it better when you bought my BS and let me do what I wanted to and helped me blame it on things other than alcoholism for thinking,acting and feeling this way". When I started to detatch (and it was a little harsh at first,my bad for that) he was left with those feelings himself and he was upset about that. That's when he decided I was to blame.....found someone else, and now I think that didn't work and SHE probably is in the "junk pile",too.....
Good luck. I am sure he DOES feel bad, but that is why he needs to get REAL help for it. You can't do that for him. jmho.