booklover

I feel embarrassed to write the truth. I feel that you guys have been so supportive and given me the right advice and shown me the way so many times...but I still always seem to do the wrong thing. Why can't I stop my obsession and live for me?

I allowed my recovering husband to stay here this past week as he really has nowhere to stay when he is here in town visiting the kids, not my problem I logically know. As most of you know, we are not really together. I have said I want a divorce for some time now but my actions sometimes suggest I must not really mean it. He has continued to say he wants me back and is going to prove how he has changed and win me back.

As you know, he cheated---which was why I left him. He also had a relationship with a 15 yr old girl since. He has lied and lied and lied and lied. At times, I have stood strong and stuck to my boundaries. Other times, folded like a card house.

I go to alanon about once a week. I don't have a sponsor. I have tried to get one. Only a few ladies at my regular meeting will sponsor and when I asked them (separately at different times) they both said the same thing, "Did you pray about it?". They then suggested God would speak to me somehow to show me who should be my sponsor. This conversation turned me off totally to them being my sponsor. I don't believe in any sort of defined God like that. They are conservative Christians. They think I haven't found God, the only god, their god...I think God is some intangible idea. We clash to say the least.

Today, I read my RAH or EXRAH?'s notebook. I shouldn't have. But I saw him try to hide it from me and I couldn't stop myself. In it, he had a list of lies he had told. I guess he is working on learning not to lie. In the list, he admitted to lying to me about 2 women he kissed in rehab. I lost it. I have asked him a million times about these women. He was kicked out of rehab for several reasons---one reason was that he was communicating with female patients. I always wondered if more happened. Now I know it did. He still talks to these women.

Then we argued, and he told me how he had been doing the right thing since he got clean, except for his 1 mistake with the 15 yr old. He listed that the girl he cheated on me with that caused us to separate had called him and wanted him to come and be with her when she was in town. He said he didn't go and that should show how he has changed. I was furious about this because she and I text eachother and have become friendly. Only a codie would befriend the woman who slept with her husband. I felt bad for her because my husband lied to her and cheated her too. I am insane!!! Anyway, I texted this girl today bc I was mad she was trying to be with my husband and be my friend at the same time. She then fwded me texts he has sent her in the last week where he said he wanted her and referred to her as his hot ass in texas and he wanted some...

So after all these blows today, I feel like a huge mess. WHY SHOULD I CARE? How can I be mad? We aren't really together. But how can he say he is proving to me how he is a good man now and wants me back while he is doing these things?

I was actually during this week starting to see the old him and falling a bit for him. I am mad at myself for this. Why can't I be strong and move on??? Why am I such easy prey? He manipulates me so well and I hate that about myself.

I could care less if he was using meth again. Now I am obsessed with the girl thing...is he with other women? How many? Has he always cheated on me? Why wasn't I enough? I feel like I am not good enough, I never was...this is how knowing that he is with all these women makes me feel. How pathetic can a girl be? Not much more than I am.

I have never felt so much pain.

Is there anyway out of this? Or am I doomed to always obsess...if we got back together, I would never be happy. I would always obsess that he is cheating. I mean, how could I trust him? But I can't let go...just because I can't stand the idea of him with someone else.

Help? Advice?