My heart is pounding, to say the least
Bless you all for your responses, insight and support.
Whew...let me take a deep breath and back up for a minute.
Okay, he's always had "issues" in that department - per the pfizer/Viagra website, I guess it would be deemed a certain degree of erectile dysfunction (love how we can just "put it all out there" here at SR).
Learning so much in the last number of months, I now know it was because of drug use (that I was never fully aware of until 6 months ago) - in our first session with the counselor in January he said that he'd used drugs for 30 of his 46 years and that no, his wife (me) was not aware of that...no kiddin'.
Now, as I said, he suffers from high BP (drug induced, I guess - who knows for sure). Over the last few years, as his (likely clueless) doctor has worked to adjust his meds, addressing any "issues" in that department has been a focus. My husband regularly shared that info with me. Others have shared that THAT is a reason why many men don't take/like taking their BP meds. Anyhow, it seemed as if the right meds for my husband had been found - no more "issues," for the most part.
I have to say that, in the last 6 months - with one clean drug test in March I might add - he's had NO "issues." Things have been good in that department - except for the fact that he now complains that we don't have enough sex...emotional for women and physical for men, we have two kids and VERY busy lives, does snuggling ALWAYS have to end up in sex, etc. is all I have to say.
Okay, fast forward, it is painfully obvious that he's actively using again - the drug test isn't back yet, by the way...important to note because he swears he's clean and sober. I have to say, sex has remained good and so I've wondered if he's really using again or not.
So, my INITIAL thought when the Viagra was discovered (after looking it up on the internet) was BINGO! VIAGRA is how he's been able to "perform"...he's acively using AND using THIS stuff to keep me from knowing where he is in terms of his recovery because "issues" are a sign!
As an aside, even prior to our marriage I knew he was into porn - magazines (the kind that feature letters from readers, letters and pics) and eventually DVDs. I'm white and he's black - his DVDs focus on that. Porn has been deemed an addiction (duh) now that we're dealing with drugs, etc. In the last six months, his stash of mags and DVDs has doubled. Further, sex with him always has had to/does include dirty talk (FYI, I'm always called a B@&$#) and never includes (mouth to mouth) kissing (I don't think we've kissed like that but maybe a dozen times in 15 years).
Okay - there you have it. Change any thoughts? Any more insight? It has been suggested that I put a GPS in his car (how do I do that and what's the cost) and/or have him followed - I guess for a true reality check?! Honestly, if I have evidence that he's been or is being unfaithful (okay, in this area), that will be IT...why, in light of EVERYTHING else, that will be the straw that breaks the camel's back, I can't seem to answer.