Cynay

STOP.... MTB .... stop this frantic and just breath..... Please slow yourself down and breath. Who the He** cares if he is reading, maybe if he is ... it would be the wake up call he needs.... if it is not ... dont worry we are not there for someone who could possibly be looking but maybe not.

Your having that panic attack myself issue.... Stop .... breath.

However, when it came to my exabf there were so many times even early on in the relationship where the "normal" me would have been like see ya later I'm not digging how your treating me...but I didn't and I don't understand why. Why could I stand firm with all these other people but not him? I don't want to become dumb again and let another guy drag me through the exact same emotional H hockey sticks.

Because God is doing you a favor.... that is why. I know it does not feel like it at the moment and there have been many many times I would have prefered God keep his lessons (favors) to himself .... but regardless of all that ... you have to come back to the first steps. (Trust me when in a panic attack I hate them too.... and Im right there with you and my sponsor is showing me the need to do this even today) Remember back to your childhood when your parents would stay stupid things like. "This is going to hurt me more then it hurts you"... or when they told you NO and you had a fit when you were a teen and could not understand why your parents were so dumb.

It is my opinion that God is my father..... well now that Im a Mom I sure understand the "hurt me more then it hurts you" concept. Lessons sometimes hurt.... We dont like them and as a parent I HATE standing back and allowing my daughter to make the same mistakes that I did .... and if she would only listen to me....... yea yea.

The bottom line of it all is that ... Im not in control.... neither are you. But let me assure you that I love my daughter more then life itself... I would happily give my life if needed..... Jesus gave his... and we are just as important to God (and much more since he is perfect) but that does not mean it does not hurt to guide and parent us.

Once I met a women who was so far depressed.... she was being raped by her husband and since she was christian she though she should take no action. .... in fact to be honest she did not even think about it... she thought that is was his "right" as a husband.... and she prayed to God to be a better wife and "want" this.... mind you.. to this day what he was doing makes my skin crawl. When I met her and listened to her prayer that she be given the blessing to "WANT TO PLEASE HER HUSBAND" I almost puked... it was so hurtful and sad then I had ever heard.

However........................ I was the wife of an Alcoholic.......... I was raped more times then I care to remember ......... at that time when it was happening I had your anger. I under ... it hurts to a depth many will never understand and I pray they never experience. I loved my husband and in turn her druged and raped me..........

I would never have been able to help that women if I had not lived it.... Im not so sure that I am a good teacher... but I do know I understood her pain like no other that had not experienced it would.... Im not always thankful for those experiences ... and there are many more then that one.... but what I have discovered is .............................

God created me, loves me and will use me for the best interest of HIS plan. That does not mean I will like it........... Most of the really hard lessons i dont like at all cuz they hurt like hell.... but I can promise you that with the same depth of pain................ he will prepare you for the same depth of joy... but you would not have know it without having gone through what you did or are.

I have posted this song cuz it gives me peace when "I" think God is either left me or is giving me too much............ and I "hate" him for it.


The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel like I've died

And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God let me walk through this place

And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

Here and I am at the end of me(at the end of me)
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to your promise there will be a dawn