I'm glad to hear you've made it to TWO meetings! Wow. It does make you stronger! I know what you mean but I'm still working out many feelings from last night that I didn't know were there.
Part of my grief and sadness I think is that the action of actually going made me fully realize I still love my husband but hate this disease and how it's destroying him and me and destroying our marriage. If or when I can leave the chaos, I'm leaving the disease and I'm losing him to alcoholism. It feels no different than if I were losing him to cancer, or heart attack, stroke or war or a bad car wreck, or any other tragedy. I never felt that way before. I just hated him period.
There is another meeting near my house tomorrow night. This one is a discussion meeting. I would like to go to that one also. I honestly I don't know if I will go tomorrow or not. I am feeling very good about going to last nights meeting and I don't have any second thoughts about actually going but the next issue I have to face is my own twisted thinking that I can't walk out the door while AH is home and sober without fearing he'll go out and get drunk if I'm not here and come home to another nightmare. He hates to be alone and that's usually what happens. It's like I developed this crazy twisted survival instinct to try and avoid the inevitable. It's ridiculous really to even think it. I need to detach. I need to be able to say I'm going out of the house for an hour or so and leave it at that. If he chooses to go get drunk so be it. His choice. If my fear of being faced with an abuser presents itself over it then I'll just have to deal with that too.
That seems to be what is demanding the most courage of all from me today. It's been a big week for me and I may wait till following Wednesday night for that one and focus on being strong for the Monday night for the next few weeks and getting to know the new friends I've met there. Change is good.