First Meeting
I can't believe I did it. I went to my first Alanon meeting tonight. I'm sorry in advance if this post is so long.
First, how I almost didn't go.
This weekend was quiet and I had a chance to take the time and think about me for a change. I was surprised at what has surfaced in me.
One thing, I've been afraid of the reaction from AH if he found out. Also, how he would react about where I was or what I was doing. Yes it has come to that. I get out of work around 6 every night and come home to take care of my cats like clockwork. Sometimes AH is here and sometimes he's at the bar, most times at the bar. I never know when he'll be home or not or what I'll be faced with after work. Usually AH gets home drunk around an hour after I do and the fun begins. But little by little he gets home later and later now. (He still isn't home yet tonight.)
What surfaced is that I realized as bad as I want this to end and all go away I was afraid of change. The thought of that first step started scaring me so bad I was shaking because I knew it was going to start a change in me.
I came home after work and fed the cats, and took off the office clothes. I felt really tired and drained. If AH had been home I don't think I would have gone. I think I would have caved. At 7:30 he still wasn't home and I still had time to make the meeting that started at 8:00. I threw some clothes on, forgot to put my rings/jewelry on and ran out the door before he might pull in the driveway and drove off.
I made it to the meeting after all. Nothing I've done so far made me feel like this. I don't even know if I understand how I feel. Like this is a final decision, I have to let go and there' s no turning back. Nothing will be the same again and I feel very sad. Like a grieving feeling or sense of great loss. I don't understand it.
This location has a 12 step focus that I think I need. The folks there are veterans and have been going for quite a few years. How they do it there is one of the members took me to the upstairs library for a one on one beginners meeting. I talked a little, and the lady talked a little and explained the program. She said they found with beginners it's a good way to start and they do this for at least 6 meetings. They all made me feel very welcome.
I was given the book "Courage to Change" which I can pay for next week and a list of phone numbers. It was suggested to make at least one phone call from the list this week, read at least 5 minutes a day from the book and do one nice thing for myself each day. Simple things like a bubble bath, or a favorite fruit or candy bar, get my nails done or a haircut. Whatever, just one nice thing for myself.
When I got home my cell phone was ringing. It had been in my purse and there were three calls from AH on it. I hadn't thought to turn the phone off when I went into the meeting but I never heard that phone ring the entire time I was gone until I came home.
I got the "where have you been" "what are you doing" when I picked up the phone at almost my 9:30 and I told him I went out to get something to eat. He said oh that's good, glad you're eating and hung up. Then he called back again and told me he had come home at 8:00 and was worried when I wasn't there that I might have car trouble or something and it would be ****** nice if I'd bother to give him a call.
Go figure, any other time he'd be mad if I called him that I was checking up on him or say I was getting in his face and stopping all his fun. I stopped calling him long ago when he doesn't come home. I don't understand the big deal tonight that I didn't call him.
After, I called an old friend and talked for a few hours and AH still isn't home. It's the latest he's been out in a very long time. Looks like more trauma drama tonight or maybe he won't come home at all and this can all carry on tomorrow and the next day and the day after that. Oh boy can't wait! God, I'm so sick of it all.
I need to keep going to Al Anon. I hope I can find the courage.