It just occurred to me...
Some of you might be familiar with a bit of my story ~ my former husband (12 beer, three-five joint, several anti-anxiety pills and heaven knows what else per day user)
decided back in April that he no longer wanted to be married, for all the "usual "reasons. He left me and the kids to live with his sister-in-law, widow of his drug dealer brother (who died from bad heroin). Supposedly "just friends", but, come on, I'm not THAT far up denial! I'm 99 9/10% sure he took over his brother's business and now deals from SIL's house.
Anyway, in the past, SIL always put my H down for his behaviors, as did her now dead H. (Verbally, emotionally abusive to me and the kids, drinking too much, etc.) SIL also always claimed her H only dealt pot, and that it was no big deal, blah, blah, blah.
When XAH left, it got back to me that SIL was saying stuff about me, like that I was too strict, I always yelled at my H, on and on, and that she took H in because she felt sorry for him.
I've been pretty mad at XSIL for all this, but something occurred to me today. She is a codie, too! She is in total, absolute, unflinching denial. I'll bet she had herself convinced her hubby really only sold pot...that it knocked her for a loop when she found out about the heroin, and that she took my XAH in because she's in such denial it's easier to go right back into the same behavior pattern than to sit down and face reality.
I know, because I was so blind to much of what my hubby did. And if I didn't have to stay strong for my kids (and hadn't some here to SR!)- who knows - I might have jumped into another codie relationship.
Does that make what she did okay? No. Do I like her any better? No again. But I do feel bad for her. She exchanged one set of problems for a brand new set. In the meantime, she lost the love and respect of my daughter (her god daughter) to whom she said the rotten stuff about me. (Hows that for judgement??) She's also reduced to sneaking in her own home, as she is trying to hide the fact that XAH lives in her house. The codependent poster child! And my poor XAH will not be allowed to fall on his own, to have a chance to hit bottom so all he can see is up. He's lost his family and his future, and might just be enabled to the grave like his brother.
It's a big break through for me ~ I'm actually able to feel compassion for her, for them, while staying detached. Never thought I'd see this day!