im embarassed to be here-whats wrong with me?
i havent been on here because ive been too embarrassed of my actions. i have given in to him on alot of levels.
I think there is soemthing wrong with me that i cannot stick to what i feel is right and give in because its easier...i couldnt handle the stress of the legalities of everything... and the cost of my lawyer...i cant afford him.
he is still going to the evaluation on tuesday and is still going to abide by what the evaluator says..i can only pray that it will be what he needs and he will follow through..i can always file for divorce again...im at the point though where if it doesnt work out that i would just want to go to a mediator because the back and forth fighting, i just cant handle...i am not a strong person on my own--i need support ..and although i have some..a few good freinds, i have no strong family to support me and that is what i really need.
he slept over last night..it was ok....i know all of you are thinking i am crazy..believe me, im thinking the same thing...i feel terrible about myself that i cant stick to my guns---what is wrong with me?? am i addicted to him?? i feel like i am going to be back to square 1 very shortly...but i will not tolerate drugs in the house. i think he is clean...of course i cant be sure, i havent been living with him...but if we get an accountant to handle all of our bills and finances, give us a monthly allowance, he abides by the evaluator recommendations which should include random drug testing....even if it doesnt and i tell him that i need that to trust him, then he sasy he will do that by going to a dr. who can order the testing....
i guess all i can do is take it day by day. he knows what will make me divorce him and that is not what he wants, so if there is any drug use in the house, that is what will happen....
im sorry to disappoint all of you. i am very disappointed in myself.... i know i need help...i pray to my hp that he can be clean and stay clean and do what it takes.
i pray for strength.