Riqui,
I've been to 3 meetings now. I've been married for 13 years and we have 2 kids. For years, I have said to myself that my happiness isn't a priority. Keeping my family together is a priority. Things have progressively gotten worse. Somewhere along the way, I morphed into a person I don't even recognize. I used to like me. Going to the meetings gives me incredible hope that I can find some of the peace and happiness some of the long-timers there have. Some are still married, some are not.
You see, I also thought Al-Anon was a crock. I went once several years ago and they kept wanting to talk about me and my problems, not my AH. Well, I wouldn't have problems if he didn't drink.
Now I see where I went wrong. One of best things that I have noticed in Al-Anon is how similar my situation is to others. Alcoholics, by and far, say and do some things almost identically. One thing they do is put you down when you threaten their drinking. If I started talkinga about his drinking, he'd spin it around and cut me down. That would leave me unnerved, distracted from his drinking, and made me feel worthless. Does that ever happen to you?
I heard so many stories about the nice things the spouses would do to try to get their husband's to stop drinking. I have gone out of my way to make sure he didn't have any stress, so he'd stop drinking. I've bit my tongue when I wanted to yell, because I didn't want him to drink. And you know what the counselor said in the first rehab meeting I attended with AH? Most of us have done that, and do you know what? Alcoholics LOVE THAT!!!! They love all the stuff we do for them. Your AH is going to love his Ebay gift certificates. But it doesn't change one thing about them wanting to drink. Nothing!!
Alcoholics will lie, cheat and steal to get what they want. Sound familiar?
What Al-Anon has done for me in the few meetings I have been to, is remind me of who I am. My life shouldn't be consumed with trying to make him stop drinking, taking his abuse, listening to his lies, BELIEVING him when he puts me down, wondering when it will stop, praying that he'd stop. That is what MY LIFE has turned into.
And if you go to Al-Anon, you'll see yourself in every person sitting at that table. I wanted to hug every person in the room after my first meeting. And I needed to be hugged. I deserve to be a priority to somebody, even if that somebody is me.
Your situation is no different than many have experienced. Your AH is lying to you. The truth is, he probably won't stop. If he's not ready to quit, he's not going to. You'll fill your days and nights wondering how you can bait him to stop. Positive reinforcement? I bet he loves that idea.
Al-Anon isn't about taking it or leaving it. It's about rediscovering that you are a human being. You have worth. You have value. And you should be loved. Doesn't mean you have to leave him. But they have tools to help you learn to be happy with yourself without thinking about whether or not he's hitting the bottle again.
They have tons of coping skills. I'm a newbie so I can't tell you all of them. But I did buy about 5 books. One of the things I liked reading was, "It's never too late to restart the day."
Has your AH ever been drinking and blurted out something so terribly hurtful that you thought about it the rest of the day? If you have some tools, and reminders in your head of how to handle it, you don't have to lose the rest of the day.
I hope you get help. It doesn't sound like he's ready, and if you aren't either, you two are going to keep sinking until something snaps.