Caretoomuch-
I could have written your post months ago. Your honesty is very touching. I am still recovering from the loss of control over my life and emotions.
I need you to know that it IS possible to regain YOUR life. You do have choices and you can take it back.
We love someone so much that their recovery becomes our every concern- we lose ourselves.
My situation is much like yours- my abf was using pills prior to us meeting- he told me what was going on and I told him that he would need to get clean. He did and things were amazing- but like your bf, he went through some turbulent times and turned back to drugs. It took me about two months to catch on to the drug usage. We were always extremely close and he has pulled away and left me feeling abandon and rejected. After that was an out of control nightmare that culminated with him entering rehab.
Once he was getting help I had to see the shambles my life had become and still is, as I am struggling to regain some sense of foundation and center in myself. I lost so much of what I felt was ME and am struggling to find my identity outside of him, our relationship and all the left over insanity.
Detaching- even if it means physically removing yourself and regrouping is important. Detachment is an art that I have not yet mastered, but that I feel is essential in learning to sail your own ship and removing yourself from the control you give him over your emotions.
We must stop being concerned about the degree to which they care about THEIR lives and OUR relationship. We have to love ourselves above all else. Staying for so long and putting up with the lies and the betrayal really hammered my self-esteem into nonexistence to a point where I believed that I didn't deserve better. I stopped beliving anything positive about myself and began feeling trapped and like a puppet strung out because he was pulling my strings.
It takes awhile to realize we have choices about how we react- that we are the controllers of our own lives. I suggest you read Codpendent No More. It really will open your eyes to the futile attempts one makes in teh name of trying to "Get an addict well."
I am here - you can PM me if you would like to talk.