I can't live with him, I can't live without him
I’ve been with my boyfriend Jon for six years. He is the most amazing guy in the world…he really is. He is EVERYTHING to me. I love him more then ANYONE in the entire world, and I have NEVER met a single person who makes me feel the way he does.
Problem is…he’s gotten back into drugs. When we first started dating he was doing heroine and cocaine and I told him that if he wanted to date me he’d have to get clean. He did…and then two years ago things took a turn for the worse.
His father committed suicide and his mother went into a pit of depression and began to blame Jon for everything. We moved into together and have been living together for a year and a half.
When things are good between us they are AMAZING. He makes me feel happiness like no other. But now that he’s gotten back into the coke it’s killing me. I feel like he places cocaine above me and I would never ever place ANYONE above him! Not even my own family.
However…that’s the thing…he’s got COMPLETE control over my emotions! And it hurts me, it kills me that he’s doing drugs. He’ll disappear for days without answering his cell phone…and come back looking horrible. I know he still cares though because he tells me how much he loves me and how if he didn’t have me, he didn’t know what the hell he’d do. And other times he says he thinks I should leave him because he knows how much he hurts me.
I can’t leave him though. I can’t. The pain of his drug use is excruciating, but it’s not really his fault. He is addicted, he can’t help it. He told me he wants to quit for me so badly, but there’s nothing one person can do. He said he’s doing it all because he wants to die so badly, and that’s what keeps him here. He said he can’t bare the thought of leaving me behind…
I can’t live like this anymore, I love him too much to be with him but I love him too much to let go. Logically I know I have to let him go. That nothing will ever get any better unless I do and that it’s what’s best for me…but I can’t I just can’t. He’s EVERYTHING to me. He’s my entire world….I'm not saying that pain is worth it...but he's my life.