Change4life

Everytime Ihang with either my friend Jimmy or chrissy I end up screwed up.. I know this so why do I keep doing the same thing I just dont know.

I was sweating my relationship with Jimmy this morning when he called to tell me he might not be coming back, and might stay on the road with his job.

I know he expected me to be upset, but I was so friggin relieved.
i cant figure out how to stay away from him so if he leaves it will make things so much easier on me.

Weve been good friends for years, but the bottom line is that he does drugs and when Im with him I do them to. I hate to say it but I hope he never comes back. I want to gain some control and I am having a very hard time.

im not saying I am an angel when i am by myself, but if I get an urge I can fight it if im alone. its kinda hard to resist when someone is putting rocks and pills and dope in your face.

Im really close to giving up and just accepting the fact that I am going to die from drugs and or alcohol, cause I just cant stop.

Hopefully with him gone I stand some kind of shot.

Im really sorry to say I am at the end of my rope.

I was doing pretty well and I dont know how I let things get so out of hand again, but yesterday I was trying to look back on the last month and realized I couldnt remember. The whole friggin month is one big fog.

today I finally had to admit to myself that I am not taking an occasional pill. I am popping pills again. Im not taking the occasional drink, I am in full blown alkie mode... again. Ive done coke more than half of the month so it is safe to say I am on coke.....again.

Day one again, and not even cause I had 3 shots this morning just so I could make it to work. Im home now and dont plan on drinking anything.

Here I go again........