I used to play with my sanity and the welfare of those around me in this way. It caused me much grief and I lost loved ones spent time inside and woke up in hospitals on countless occasions.
Recovery by working a program is the only way I have found. These days I do lots of things wrong but I don't muck around with my head my life and others lives anymore.
I hope you get a program and other help if you need it.
Do whatever it takes to stay clean. Put as much effort into recovery as you did into using and all the head miles.
I wish you well.
Kevin