Well, I had a nice day relaxing at the pool and then a few neighbors showed up like the normally do on Sunday. There's was a group of us just hanging out,
the neighbors had a few drinks, no big deal to me and were telling stories from the week and past stuff they knew about, etc. I tried to comment here and there, laugh and joke, etc. We ordered pizza and the afternoon/evening progressed. I gave more money to cover expense than I should, no one had change, and told them they could pick up my tab next weekend.
The guy I have a crush on was there, too. You'd think I was 16 again. I always see what could be instead of just enjoying the moment of what is at the time. I mentioned to him if he wanted company for a movie to give me a call.
We wrapped up the little pool party and made our way back to the apartments.
Once I got home, I just fell apart. Some days are harder than others coming home to an empty apartment. I would have liked to have company and just be affectionate with someone. I want to feel wanted and appreciated.
I really didn't feel like I fit in downstairs. I always feel like the outsider watching everyone else. I still feel so alone among people. Guess that means they are the wrong people for me. I don't know. I keep trying to put myself out there, but it's just difficult. I know...I just haven't met the right one, yet as my mom reminds me. My mom also asked me why I can't just enjoy the time and not always want more than what's happening. I didn't have an answer for her. I guess I just want something I haven't had before. This single stuff is more frustrating now than when I was single the first time.
At least I know I sorta kinda fit in around here.
