It is a new night and I'm feeling some peace becasue I was able to put my son out of my mind today.Many nights I just ask my HP to keep him safe so that one day we can have a different relationship.
I've always been happy-go-lucky and one who lives with a joy for life. My child's addiction + estrangement has changed me. It has put a muffler on my joy. I understand addiction and have worked on my recovery in al-anon yet I continue to feel the loss profoundly. I have gratitude for my MANY blessings . But the lack of relationship with my son may continue this way for a long long time. I've got to get my groove back regardless...but it is a stuggle.The support + stories here at SR are part of the process
The last time I was able to reach him by phone he said he had cried just the night before because of the mess he'd made of his life and that even though he wanted to call me he just couldnt't and was mad at himself for not calling (his girlfriend & him were splitting up and he was moving to couch surf).
We spoke briefly and as we hung up he said he would call later that night, but as typical, he never did. His inability to call and be connected to his own mother is baffling.
This appears to go deeper than just his addiction. But there is nothing I can do to bridge this distance.