If you realize the kind of person he really is, then why keep checking to verify it over and over? This is what I call "inflicting pain on oneself." You're also trying to remain attached to him in any way you can. I went through this years ago when I figured out how to hack into exAH's email account from my office computer. What did it get me? I already knew he was a lying, cheating slime. The knowledge I gained was that I was obsessed on focusing on what he was doing and it was giving me a "life" in a sick sort of way.