Misscat, I understand that feeling of weird restlessness at parties where there is alcohol or drugs. Not necessarily because you want to use them but because it is so much of your lifestyle for a long time (well, mine, anyway). For me, I used to look at drunk and high people and shudder to think I was like that, making a fool of myself and acting so horribly. Then the shame went away when I started thinking that I was missing out. No matter how much I tried to tell myself that what I really was missing out on was pain and misery, I couldn't convince myself and back out I went. Over and over that cycle continued. Sometimes I think about what it was like for me at parties--the way the music felt (yes, felt, not sounded, like a physical thing and I bet you understand that), the way I could roll with whatever was coming because I was floating and it didn't matter, I had no problems. I could travel a thousand miles in my mind and still be right there and I loved it. I loved parties like that, where I could lose control mentally of myself and still have the hilarious duality of knowing that I was physically at a party. I can't really describe that sensation. It's very strange and hard to put into words. Perhaps that wasn't your experience at all but it was for me and that is why I think I am mourning so heavily for that lifestyle. I did hit a bottom, though, and no amount of travelling in my mind or having hallucinations to Doors music could save me from what I had become--an animal at best. That's no way to live for me. I knew if I wanted to physically live and to really, spiritually live (as in enjoy life for once), I knew I had to get clean. It's a struggle. And it's worth it.
Just my two cents.
