Originally Posted by Misscat

ha--yes, I hear you. The thing is, I am very comfortable in social situations for the most part. I just find that I get antsy when there is alcohol available and other people are drinking, its almost like a nervous tic. I used to do drugs out of anger, I was angry at my mom for selling my childhood home and moving 10 hours away with a man she had only known a year, and kind of leaving me with no where to go at an age where I was old enough to live on my own, but was kind of taken by surprise. I had to live with my best friend's mother while I figured out what to do, and ended up crashing with hippies, smoking pot, tripping, taking mushrooms, whatever was around. My drinking and doing drugs was like a big F you to her for doing that, stupid as that sounds. I couldnt deal. I think I just got to a point where living on the edge felt good--I just had no personal direction at that time of my life, and it provided me with a distraction. I definitely got my life together and got my Master's degree and have a decent job at this point, bought a condo, etc. But I got so used to living with people who would just get obliterated, and once I found the club scene, it wasnt uncommon for me to be at a friend's place in Chelsea (NYC) at 10 am coming down off of pills and drinking a beer while people around me were still doing Meth (I never did that). I guess I compared myself to all these people around me who were so much worse than me, and I never really had a group of friends who were moderate--they were extreme partiers. I got used to that being what fun is.
In the past two years I have shifted my focus and have started to spend time with much more moderate people, and my fiance is moderate in what he does and doesnt do drugs. Although I am a lot less of a partier than I used to be, I would say that "Old habits die hard--" I got used to a certain intensity of partying being "fun"--and less than that always felt like it was, well, just not as intense, it almost felt like I was left "hanging." I still had fun, but I felt a sort of restlessness that I still get and can't put my finger on. Its not always about the drugs or the drinking, its about staying out and experiencing all kinds of people and feelings. Maybe this doesnt make sense but I find I get bored very easily and partying became a not-so-healthy way to keep myself distracted from boredom. Unfortunately, my restlessness would almost never be calmed no matter how many drinks I had, but as I drank more, my inhibitions lowered, and I found myself drinking more and then picking up drugs or whatever. I just have a hard time calming the restlessness. It may be anxiety based...is this alcoholic/addictive thinking? Or just a behavioral/social habit that hasnt yet changed?
Sorry for the long post...but I am still trying to sort this out. Thanks everyone!