I have experienced a great deal of crapola too. My expereince is that I kept letting it pile up on me and it really was very injurous and made me very angry too. But right now I am entering the point of forgiveness and healing. My current level of serenity has taken a lot of work, al-anon meetings, readings, and faith in my higher power. Right now I am starting to be much less angry with my AH. I don't do that for him, I do it for myself. I am so tired of being angry and hurt. I just want to be as happy and healthy as I can be. I need it for myself and I need it for my children. Everyday I have o remind myself to keep the focus on me. Focusing on the f'ed up stuff my AH does/did was only bringing me down. Resentment is like a poison that we swallow and expect the other person to suffer for it. They of course never do. ((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) to you girlfriend. Just know that you are not alone. I may not have experienced the exact same circumstance as you, but I know all too well the emotions you feel. You are a child of God and a person of worth. Please remember that.