I hang on to anger and resentment for him being in prison and all the problems the drug addiction has created in our lives. How do you let go? I think it's because I don't want to be hurt again. Does anyone have any advice or experience to offer?
Boy do I get that one. Ah and I always fought through his calls too,a nd weirdly thats what kept me holding on to bad habits. When we first separated a few months ago we had no contact for a while, and while for all appearances sake he appeared to be in complete drug binge phase, I think he grew a bit, and I know I did, that wouldnt have happened if we'd kept talking. Sometimes by getting away from all of it, it becomes easier to let go. You accept his intentions were never to hurt you, himself or the kids, its a product of the disease, and that is something only he can change.
We are two completely different people, never have we or will we react the same to the same things, we are just different. I too in trying to control, pursuade, and manipulate and then just plain being anxious and angry have damaged alot as well. When you start to see those realizations little things, and resentments start to change.
At this point theres no even plans for tomorrow, there cant be we still reside apart, alcohol became a big part of his life, actually it took over his life. He now once again has 5 days clean and sober (Its been a few months for the drugs). Ive seen him struggle with it the last few days, in a way Ive never seen before. The man has had his first 3 meals a day several days in a row in 4 months, when you see them go through that and take all emotions out of it, it changes your views a bit. Can his feelings change back tonite? Im sure part of me is waiting and prepared, as Its not gonna effect me, but for the first time, there's no anger hanging on, but true empathy without ever compromising myself.
I no longer love him like this being I have a death grip on, instead I love him as a human while at the same time loving myself enough to keep a distance.
He looked at me from across a dining table yesterday and said, I dont want that life anymore, it will lead me right back to jail. Ill never get why it took him 8 months to get that, I only know it was the most sincere thing he has ever said
(maybe he truly did have to be completely free with noone pointing out how he was living or telling him right and wrong to get there.