HKAngel24

I know I have not been a good SR member. I have only been posting about myself- to get my feelings out and have not been responding to a lot of posts. For this I am sorry.

Lately I have been so uncomfortable where I am at. I keep wanting to speed things up- to be able to get to a place where I have completely let go of trying to change another or even hoping that they change.
I do not put all my energy into it by any means, but the fact that there is even a sliver of me that still resists completely letting go bothers me.

Maybe I want to be much further along than I am in reality. I am not sure if it takes trial and error for one to remember to emotionally disengage themselves when they have encounters with the addict. Abf called me last night from rehab and our conversation was brief as I was getting cut off riding a train and service was going in and out. He asked me why I hadn't written which I did not really respond to. (I kicked myself later for not being more assertive)
I have so much anger/mixed feelings. After we got off hte phone- I felt very uncomfortable. The conversation stirred up feelings in me and I found myself dwelling on the meaning of his words.

I was able to bounce back to the "thinking about myself" and "Taking care of myself" thoughts much quicker, but it still brought a wave of sadness. I am trying to be patient with myself but it's frustrating.

I know that nothing changes if nothing changes and that if I do not put time and effort into changing myself than nothing in my world will change. I know that ONLY I can take back the power others have over my feelings. I guess I sort of expected the process to be more clean cut and less messy? I don't know...


Thanks for letting me share.