Originally Posted by
Saint Francis 
1. I’m a miserable failure at life, at marriage. Last Wednesday was the 15th anniversary of my first failed marriage to my first AH, and I’m well on my way to a second failed one. It’s obviously me who make bad choices and can’t get along.
Just because I've made bad choices doesn't mean I can't get along with people. It's the person I picked to try and get along with - an active addict. I finally accepted I could do something about that and work on myself to not repeat it.
Originally Posted by
Saint Francis 2. I’m a psycho bitch. I don’t feel very stable lately. I don’t mean to be this way, but it doesn’t really matter.
Living with alcoholism I became absolutely INSANE. By the end I was screaming at the neighbors, the cats, small children, grocery clerks and everyone on the road, to name a few. I was unable to articulate my frustration or confusion. I had no idea what was wrong with me.
Originally Posted by
Saint Francis 3. I’m depressed and negative almost all the time. It’s probably because I’m so acutely aware of what a failure I am. People see this and avoid me.
The last few years with AH in particular I became extremely depressed and negative. Because I was so unhappy with my own life, I had nothing good to say about anyone else. I was extremely critical and judgmental.
Originally Posted by
Saint Francis 4. I’m lazy. Probably it’s because I’m depressed. And I’m fat because I’m lazy and depressed. Indecision has stagnated me.
It was definitely depression in my case. I put on over 40 pounds in the marriage, since taken off. Something that really scared me was how lazy I was becoming, especially in my career. That made me feel even worse about myself, which kept me trapped in a cycle of indecision and despair.
Originally Posted by
Saint Francis 5. I drink too much. Everything goes back to #1…I’m trying to escape the fact that I’m such a failure.
I certainly came to drink too much by being with AH. I didn't realize until later that this is pretty common in co-dependent relationships. Looking back I can see part of it was a subconscious effort to prove AH's drinking was normal (if I could keep up). Also, since that became all he wanted to do, if I wanted to spend time together with him I needed to do it, too.
Originally Posted by
Saint Francis 6. I avoid things. I play games, board games etc. I’m trying to escape the blame for failing AH and failing me.
This was another sign of my depression. My work requires me to be on the computer a great majority of the time. I conduct a lot of my business by email and do research, etc. One day I realized I was playing a lot more solitaire than was healthy. It was an escape from the stress and fed my denial.
Originally Posted by
Saint Francis 7. I blame others for my problems. I blame AH. I blame his drinking. I don’t want to look deep inside myself to see my flaws and failures.
Looking inside myself to see my flaws and failures has been one of the toughest things I've ever done. In doing it, I've come to appreciate what a struggle it is for everyone, including the addict.
Originally Posted by
Saint Francis 8. I’m not kind enough or supportive enough of the important people in my life. I’m incredibly selfish that way.
Originally Posted by
Saint Francis 9. I’m a sinner and haven’t felt right with God lately. I keep making mistakes and I don’t learn lessons from them.
Recognizing behaviors like these helped me get ready to do something about them.
Originally Posted by
Saint Francis 10. I’m lost. I lost my soulmate, my husband, my best friend. I just haven’t been good enough to attract good things into my life.
Boy, did I feel I also lost my best friend and soul mate. Until I learned best friends don't call each other bitch and c***. I came to understand why I thought AH was the best I was going to attract to ME; why I didn't feel worthy of someone's genuine love.
((Saint Francis)) What helped me turn it all around was Al-Anon, therapy, education and the support of friends. If Al-Anon is not for you, there are other support systems out of there. Attending is not enough - it's working the steps; doing the work on me. Therapy is not going in and bitching about my life, but searching for ways to improve it. Getting involved in a real life free from the effects of addictions has allowed sanity back into both my thinking and life. For me, walking into that first meeting gave me hope that I could turn my life around it. But it took me taking that first proactive step on my own behalf.
It is not easy to change and learn new ways of living, but it is possible. I hope you will try and see that you are a good, decent person who deserves a rich and fulfilling life.
Keep posting!