Saint, your post breaks my heart. I have to wonder if that list of shortcomings is how you see yourself or is it more representative of what your AH has told you over the years? Either way, my concern is that you believe it.
Are you involved in Al-Anon? Do you have a support system of friends & family? As Dolly asked, what's your plan to become the person you know you can be, to have the life you want for yourself?
Take good care of you.
~ghm