Scared
As you can all no doubt tell, I've just joined the forum after spending literally hours reading blogs etc written by recovering alcoholics. After reading quite a few threads here, I noticed there's some very helpful people here so I though joining would be a good idea.
To give a brief history I'll start when I was 11, the first time I got drunk. My sister, 5 years my senior, was celebrating her birthday and decided to give me some of the bourbon she was drinking. After a few mouthfuls the glow enveloped me and I was humming. About an hour later, I woke up and vomited into an ashtray, not remembering going to sleep. The first blackout of hundreds more to come.
I didn't touch alcohol again until about the age of 14 when I drank around 8 cans of beer and immediately looked for something to destroy. My drinking since then hasn't really ceased; the biggest gap between then and now (I'm 29) would be around 5 months. Also, from 14 until about 20 I smoked marijuana frequently but had to stop as I developed severe anxiety attacks when I was 16. Yes, so determined was I to get high I smoked for 4 more years hoping they'd just go away. Luckily about 18 months ago I managed to finally knock them in the head with a combination of medication and CBT – not to mention a fantastic Buddhist doctor.
For the past 9 years, my drinking has slowly escalated (apart from the aforementioned hiatus) to the point where today was the first day I was actually scared of myself, thinking I wouldn't be able to resist the urge to go and buy something to drink. Luckily I managed to refrain and have been sober all day, the first time in about a week.
I have a genuine desire to stop, as my writing this suggests, but I'm fearful. I keep thinking of the future, my friends, the career I'm wanting to pursue and my seeming lack of ability to enjoy myself whilst sober.
To elaborate, I'm from Australia originally and have lived in the UK for 15 months now, after meeting my now wife online. Our marriage is excellent and she's ever so supportive. Although I love being here, I'm naturally missing my family and friends, both groups being small but close. Whenever I think of stopping, the usual questions arise concerning what I'll do when I go back to visit, surely I'll end up drinking etc. This of course ties in with the bored when sober feeling I mentioned earlier.
The other part that frightens me is my wanting to join a band over here. I've played drums for 15 years and want to pursue that as it's my one true dream. More worries surface and I find myself wondering how I'll do it sober and resisting temptation (as that industry is wont to have). I know I should only concentrate on now as the future doesn't exist but I can't seem to stop myself.
I'm guess what I'm wanting to know is how can I get around all the questions that frankly scare me to death. One half of me yearns for the clean lifestyle yet the other rallies against it, telling myself I'll never do it. This state of mental warring is an everyday thing for me. A respite from the self-doubt would be very welcome.
Thanks all for your time.