Misscat

Hi everyone, I just stumbled upon this site and hope to find a new community of people who support each other in living a healthy lifestyle. Yesterday I came home after being out at a club all night, only to have my fiance tell me that if I did that again, he would probably leave me. Now, this man loves me and I know this, and I love him also. But I realize how my behavior has affected him, and I feel a lot of shame when I think about the fact that I could hurt someone who cares so much for me.
I spent a lot of my twenties functioning well (on the surface)--getting my master's degree at Columbia, becoming a teacher who is well respected, maintaining pretty good friendships, but underneath all of this there is a part of me that just wants to be high, and on weekends that is what I was doing. Its hard for me to figure it out, because it really doesnt feel like me, but it is a part of me that I am afraid of. For a while, I was able to embrace that feeling--I ended up it crappy relationships with people who partied a lot also, and we drank and occasionally did drugs, but of course they were not good people in relationships, and they made me really sad.
But here I am in a much better place in life, with a decent job and a healthy relationship, but there is still that weird demon inside of me that is constantly bored, frustrated, and antsy just to get ****** up. I think about going to clubs and being high on E and having the feelings that I used to have while being on that dancefloor, I think about doing lines of coke when I am sitting here doing work, its rediculous. And I just want to be free of that.
I was talking to a family member who is younger than me yesterday, and he had such a wise thing to say to me. When I asked why he went sober and how he continues to be sober, he just said, "well, I thought about all the times where I had gotten into some sort of trouble, be it legally, mentally, physically, whatever, when it was in my control. And I realized that all the times that I had gotten into trouble was when I had been drinking or smoking pot. And I realized that all the trouble and repercussions were just not worth it to me. And I think about that every day, and just get disgusted by the whole thing, and that keeps me where I am." It seems to simple, but its really true. I thought about the time I broke my rib and I have no idea how it happened, about the countless lost items, I think about how many times I woke up embarassed because I had overdone it AGAIN. And of course about the few times that my fiance could have left me, but hasnt YET. So, I figure that it is time to close that screwed up chapter in my life, but I am so scared to fail again, because I have tried before. I need to feel like I have a place to go or people to talk to when I am craving something that is bad for me.

I went to the newbie forum, but it seemed like a lot of people who already knew each other, but I will go back again . I would like to find a place where I can get to know some people, especially those who used to love the club life and all the crap that goes with it. But any support is greatly appreciated.

Thanks.