embraced2000

since last march (when my xh was arrested in my office), and a few phones calls in march and april, my xh has went silent. during one of these last phone calls he told me had bone cancer and didn't have long to live.

he called yesterday. said he weighed 106 pounds, only has half of his hair, is divorced from his wife already and wanted to make amends to me.

he was drunk. the usual drunk b.s. talk followed....his undying love for me blah blah blah. said the doc gave him 3 months to live.

the last sound i heard was him throwing up and i hung up the phone.

so i called the city where he lives and asked directory service for a listing.....lo and behold, they had one for his last name. but with a womans first name.

i called the number, and spoke for two hours with his wife. all he told me is a lie about his illness, about their divorce, etc.

she is living the exact life that i was living. she is stunned to find herself in this mess, and is broken hearted because the abuse started two days after they were married.

everything special and sacred that i thought we had shared, is exactly what he is sharing with her now. all the special things that i thought made us have that miracle of a connection. he tells her all the same b.s. and all the terror and horror is the same, also.

she has already filed for divorce two times since getting married last jan......she thinks it is over.....i didn't have the heart to tell her that the fun is just beginning.

so, i've often spoke of that "connection"......well, it was contrived, calculated, and totally meaningless. all that i thought was special, was just a tricksters cruel, cold, survival trick.

i loved him. and i meant absolutely nothing to him. just another way to live another day.

i used to comfort myself somewhat with telling myself that we did love each other, but he didn't. not really. not even a little.

i was conned by a psychopath that happens to be an alcoholic. he gives alcoholism a bad name.

this really stings.

he had even told his wife yesterday morning that he was going back to me.

i'm having feelings of hatred towards him and they ate at me all night long.

but i''m thinking the feelings are really about myself.

i don't have space in my heart or life for this hate, but it's there again.