Whoops pressed submit w/o finishing...
Anyways- his using has NOTHING to do with you or how much he loves you.
(I am STILL, STILL, STILL struggling with this. It is natural for me to make the connection that someone's inability to love/take care of me automatically reflects my shortcomings. Easier spoken than believed.)
Even now I STILL have my moments of denial and defiance when I think - if only I was enough for him... if only his love was strong enough for me... he wouldn't need to turn to a substance to escape. I think accepting that WE are powerless- is of course the hardest - because it not only means taht we cannot do anything, but it also means that our part in the relationship really has no bearing on whether or not they recover- we, as people, and all we have been put through- really isn't a factor. This I believe is when you realize that you do not have to be the changing variable that is altered in response to HIS moods, HIS behaviors, HIS using, HIS recovery...
I often still feel like a puppet on strings as I am trying to feel like it's OKAY to make my own choices and not feel so damn guilty/unentitled to do so, deeply afraid they are the wrong ones or that I am incompetent and incapable of doing anything right for myself. It is amazing how deep the wounds of addiction can be for the loved ones.
Even though I am cognizant of the fact that I have NOTHING to do with the drug usage- I still don't truly BELIEVE it down to my toes- I still swim around in the self-loathing creek that tells me that my lack of "something" is the cause for alot of this- even though I can say it is not true I think it may take awhile to believe it.
Hang in there and try to see the truth about doing what is best for you. It takes time to realize that the person we love will no longer preserve our feelings and take care of us. We keep being surprised when they hurt us, go back on their words, betray us- and I think that is what keeps us sinking farther down until we feel almost paralyzed to make changes or to change the way we think.
Try to turn the focus onto you and what you are doing for your life.