can't stop crying
how does he hurt me so badly? passive-aggressive?, blaming?, threats?, i think it's all there, but right now i've cried so much tonight i can't figure it out logically at all, it just hurts so much, and so deep...
let me tell you some things he screamed at me tonight but first let me explain that he is able to because i allow him to come visit the kids on thurs and sundays as per our verbal agreement when we separated last year, and as you can imagine, he lets me have it before he leaves the house every thurs and sunday, but tonight was one of the worst...
he said, "it's been a year since you kicked me out and I feel like i've finally forgiven myself but everytime i see you I feel bad again, and i can't anymore.. I have to continue on a positive path for the children and to stay sober... i can't feel bad about anything anymore, i'm done.... i'm happpier without you in my life, I'm a better person without you too...i'm tired of trying and i'm tired of feeling bad.. i obviously was never able to make you happy so maybe someone else will some day..."
i feel sick. 10 years of marriage ends up like this? wait, 10 years of being married to an active alcoholic ends up like this??? yup, i guess so. i don't know who is a bigger a$$, him, or me for staying with him? or me for being so stung and hurt by him over and over again, whether drunk or sober (without a program, so dry drunk? right?) he has always hurt me... ugh.