I understand what you're saying.
Maybe it would help to mentally remove him from the whole formula.
What do YOU need in your life to be happy?
What do YOU feel is acceptable contact with you and/or the kids.
Try not to place judgement or punish, just what can you live with, and of course what ensures your safety and the safety of the kids.
T
hen, you will have a nice template of your boundaries.
I found that when I made my boundaries all about "me", I was more comfortable in enforcing.
He can do whatever he wants, and pay the consequences later. You can remain clear and steadfast concerning your life.
The choice then becomes his.
And I think we have all found, that looking too far down the road (as in "if you do this, then I'll do that") is a dangerous path.
You have the right to adjust as you go, if the need arises.
Prayers for peace and clarity (((DW))))
Cece