AcceptingChange

well, i made it through a party weekend.
i stayed sober. And, i still had a good time downing waters & 7up.
since the alcohol drug isn't working for me anymore, it is easier not
drinking. I don't think that can be said until the alcohol purges out,
which i think it has.

i had a good time though. i laughed and started conversations, stuff
i used to think the alcohol enabled me to do. found out i can take
off the training wheels and converse, just like the adults. wheee!!!

my family parties are warm, in that everyone isn't drinking. drinks are
everywhere, and maybe 3/4ths of the people are drinking. but 1/4 aren't,
and noone makes comments whether i am or not.

actually, since i was aware of how embarrassing i had gotten in the last few years,
i had already started not drinking at parties. i'd just wait to go home and then drink.
like the solitary junkie i had become.
creepy as that is, there is the benefit that now that i'm not drinking, i have
gone into situations where i didn't drink. so each and every situation isn't brand new.

another wierd thing was how i felt this monday morning. the last times i drank (too much) alcohol at family parties, i'd wake up on monday feeling anxious, depressed and self-loathing. and i swore it was the alcohol abuse. but when i woke up this morning, i was anxious, depressed and full of self-loathing. wierd!!
that's not my normal state, so it was wierd.
i wonder if my mind has programmed itself to create those feelings, and it didn't even need the alcohol!! the big benefits to dealing with monday morning and not drinking were (a) my self-loathing wasn't as deep & (b) i was over all those feelings after my 1st coffee.

at lunch today i read 3 more chapters of 'Beyond the Influence'.
I learned
(a) the most common tests to see if a person is alcoholic usually focus on late-stage alcohol signals. it's late in the game then, and tough to quit.
(b) i'm a middle-stage alcoholic. if the data they have is accurate, i would have stayed (or will stay forever??) for another 5-10 years.
(c) and my favorite

People don't drink alcohol because they're grumpy and irritable.
People who drink everyday become physiologically modified, which causes irritability.
The alcoholic then tries to calm the irritability through drug-intake.
But that just perpetuates the cycle.

Another depressing fact for me:
I'm proud to say that i've made it 18 days without a drink.

I'm embarrassed to say that that's the longest single stretch i've gone in 20 years.

wow! that's depressing to write that.
that's depressing to read that.
20 years, and i never made it a whole month without a drug.
little bit too much self-revelation here.
I need something to calm my nerves.
guess i'll head upstairs and.. have some tea.

night folks.