dw,
We are so much alike...our marriages are/were so much alike. I can tell you what is true for me. All said with love and respect for you. Take what you can use and forget the rest.
My ex did the same sort of things for about two months after I filed for divorce. For the first time ever, I stuck to my boundaries (I never even knew I was allowed to have them in the first place where he is concerned).
It was not easy nor was it pleasant, especially at first. Undoing 25 years of codie thinking is not an easy thing....One thing that really helped me is a journal I kept for the preceding year with his treatment of me and our children recounted right down to the last ugly detail. (Isn't it amazing how easy we forget the bad things when they throw us a scrap of good?)
He ran all over the place spouting all sorts of trash about me to whoever would listen to him. He played the 'God talk' card big time-the one where divorce is wrong, I am destroying the family, I am hurting the kids, quack quack quack.....he tried to enlist my friends and our adult children in his cause. No dice.
He said he didn't want to live. He said I was ruining his life. He said I had 'taken everything away from him'. He said he could'nt live without our little boy.
When that didn't work he got angry and intimidating. OOPS-true colors shining through!!
I stuck to my plan and for the first time in 25 years I am honestly at peace and content with my life. It's a little unnerving to be on my own after all those years, but the thing that I have discovered is that I was already doing 95% of the hard things anyway. Having to deal with his crap just made everything much much worse.
I really don't know why, but all of a sudden about 5 weeks ago he just started leaving me completely alone. I think it was probably because he thought I would then want him back. Bad gamble on his part because I have found out how wonderful life is away from the chaos and drama. Want him back? NO WAY!!
My other speculation is that he has found that mysterious other woman that he always said would take care of him if I didn't. (I'm sure you know the one.....) More power to her if that is the case. She can have him and his insanity because I am done.
Your ah is doing what an addict/abuser does best. Nothing that you wrote that he said to you has an ounce of recovery in it. He is pulling out the big guns to manipulate you into doing what he wants. That kind of treatment has nothing at all to do with love; control maybe but not healthy love. On the flip side, it seems to me that in giving him ultimatums, you are still trying to hold on to the control you *thought* you had over the situation.
This is where the rubber meets the road in YOUR recovery. Give him his life back and trust your gut. Turn off the ringer on your phone, or better yet change the number. Change your email address. Make NO CONTACT really mean what it says.
It will feel odd at first because you are so trained to focus all your energy on him. You have really got to learn to refocus all that energy back where it belongs-on you and especially on your children.
You have to decide what YOU really want. You have to then do whatever it takes to get there from where you are now. If I can do this, so can you! Don't give up the RO unless YOU want to try again. What he wants/needs/thinks does not matter. It does not matter. It does not matter. (Repeat that until you believe it!)
I'm pulling for you really hard here in Tennessee!