SaTiT

it's a sentence a got out of the AA BB about the codi/alki dance.
it jump out at me...

Well you know..it 's kind of like what chero say..we focus on someone else
instead of ourselves..well...that includes love too.

We get into a habit of doing it for so long. We forget to love ourselves.
And we feel like crap or bend over backwards waiting for the love to be
give in returned..Our love tank runs drie..we go into love stravation mode.

and we get that guilt trip going "being selffish" well the damn thing of
it is...we hear those message from alki...my alcoholic father say stuff
like that to me...but thing of it is...he just blurrs it out becuase he's
wacked out of his mind..So i go crazy trying to seek approvel from him
and I always feel guilty..becuase nothing i do is ever good enough...becuase
I'm waiting for him to love me back...but it dosn't happen. my GF in her
drunkness would say al kinds of crazy things...so i take those messeages
as real...but she's just blurring it out...She's numb..so how can she love
me ?

After having some alone time..after things setting down just a bit
something clicks in my head...."cut out the middle man".
I'm capiable of love..I've been loving people who dosn't love back...
so i might as will start loving myself...it feels wierd at first.

Well just like forgiveness..we were taught over and over again
to forgive other people..but how often would anyone say to forgive
ourselves ??? So its harder for us to forgive ourselve becuase we havn't
been practice it. We feel guilty for all the stuff we might have done.
well..look at all the stuff other people have done to us..we forgive them.
It's not that we're incapible of forgiving..we just have to apply it for
ourselves.

it's like a process for me..becuase the message i got at first
was to focus on myself...so that was my foundation..
but i had so much guilt and shame..I felt guilty for doing it..
so I focus on god instead..make sense ??? So my HP gave me
love...unconditional love..my love tank begin to fill up again.
The puppy that stayed with me..gave me more love than my GF

as long as my focus stayed off of my GF..becuase everytime
I thought about my GF I went out of my freaken mind.

At the stage she was in..she was using up my love tank.
being emotionally attached I felt guilty when she wines...
I forget that she would trun at a drop of a hat..so whenever
she loose all of her money or whatever...she's empty..
there i go again..trying to fix her.

Pretty much that same thing your hubby is doing..trying to get
love from you..but you're running low on your love tank and it's
driving you crazy...belive me my gf did the samething...came to my
work time after time crying...

it is why...my boundary is...my GF has to be more than just clean and sober.
She has to be working a program...wheather she learns how to love
herself or get it from her HP or god. i love her..but i can't love her
24/7 and life ain't rossie all the time..I need some one to love me
back every so often and not be taking it from me all the time.

I needed to learn how to love myself..so I won't bend over backwards
and try to seek it from others..so it dosn't becomes a need...need.
A relationship now become a chioce.
God or my HP gives me what I need...make sense ?