Originally Posted by
CE Girl 
Because I just want to be loved
Oh brother, that was a BIG one, almost blew my stride.
So, the spirits in their infininte wisdom said, "What about you is unlovable?" And I began to examine, what I had been TOLD all my life. "You are selfish", ummmmmm,,,I don't think so, "You are a liar", ,,,Really? Then how come I just blurt things out, being true to myself, always making it a priority to "do as I say" Even at my own expense. "You will never amount to anything",,,,I've built a good life, am independant and "comfortable". Good at what I do.
I KNOW all fo these things, but yet, when put into play, I always revert back to what I've been told. The bruises on my core.
Ok...I want to first say this-you are loved by alot in this forum and I'm sure alot on the outside. It NORMAL to want to be loved! I know growing up-I never felt loved-but, I realize now I deserve it! And so do YOU!
This was a tuff one for me as the bruises on my core were very purple! It took a long time to peel those layers one by one and get down to where I knew I deserved to be loved-I knew that I built a good life for myself and it may not be up to the standards of my Mom or anyone else but it is was my journey and I did it on my own with no help. After my husband died (And I know you know this feeling CE) I felt as if my life was OVER that all the work I had done to begin the peeling of the layers were shot to h-ll in a hand basket! It was feeling that way that brought me back to where I had started and was as a child-Kind of the same feelings you mentioned!
It took going through some unhealthy relationships to see what I was doing to myself-(my steps backwards) I then continued so much time after many years thinking you know-I'm tired .....I need to start saying "NO" it had to be the hardest thing for me to learn! I learned it at work, home, friendships etc...but I had not learned it on my A! Because once again the work I was doing was on my core , my childhood not realizing in front of me what I was doing to myself-"WOW" shocker I'm not moving forward very quickly after being in counseling for 8 years! Yup you heard it 8 years! I was working on me alright............I was gaining strength, courage, acceptance, forgiveness but what I was not learning is to apply it ALL to ME yup ME the most important person in the world- those were my steps back-I learned how to handle my mother and accept her for who she is and that she did the best she could with the hand she was dealt and forgave her and alot of other people in my life-what I did not do was the biggest thing FORGIVE myself so that I could really move on and see that I deserve a healthy relationship with ALL in my life!
Getting involved with my A and feeling as your post the other day-exhausted, drained just physically a mess-and wondering why is this happening? I'm taking care of myself I go to counseling-but guess what?! I was sucked into the chaos because I was learning everything I needed I was just not applying it!
Honey....I have been where you are 100 times-as others have too-you are pushing forward which is a good thing-as it was mentioned on here by embrace "just a process. 2 steps forward, 5 steps back. then it's 5 steps forward and 2 steps back. then it just gets better and better. " this is so true! I know I was a big product of this and still in that process!
Please do not sell yourself short as you have gained so much over the past few months! This is a few steps back and "this too shall pass" and as you start having these steps back you will realize each time and it will be quicker at taking those steps forward!
((((Hugs))))) And by the way did I tell you? That we love you?! WE DO!