Guinevere,
I found that when my daughter first began recovery she had no clue as to what "open and honest" was. But guess what? I found neither did I. "Open and honest" requires a person taking a very good look at themself. That's painful, thus that's why a lot of addicts continue to lie to themself enabling them to stay in their addiction, just like I did when I went into denial about my daughter's problem.
One thing I've learned in the room of Al Anon is to not have expectations. Expectations are what we call pre-meditated resentments. And not having expectations went against everything I ever thought and taught. But getting knocked on my behind by addiction brought me to Al Anon meetings. And there they taught me to NOT expect much from my addict. And that when and if she got into recovery, she would have to work it at her own pace. I just think expecting openness and honesty from your son is setting yourself up for a resentment. If he's in recovery and really working at it, he'll grow into his openness and honesty, but it takes a long time. That's been my experience anyway.
Now, in the meantime, I was taught to get the focus back on me and see what needed changing in my life. I was told, "Go to Al Anon." I thought, "Naaaa." I was told again by the counselors, "Go to Al Anon!" I still thought, "I don't need that."
I was told again, "GO TO AL ANON!" I finally listened, dropped my pride and fear and went. That's the best thing I've ever done for my life. I hope you'll try some meetings. What I've learned in Al Anon has opened up a whole new relationship for me and my daughter, one I wouldn't trade for the world.
Big hugs to you cause this mama understands,
Hangin' In
P.S. Forgive me if this seems off subject, but I read somewhere in here about openness and honesty coming from the addict. And that just rung a bell with me, thus my comments. As always, take what you like and leave the rest.
