scared. also new.
Last night-well, this morning rather, i decided to give up drinking. I know ive said it a million times, ive had the best intentions, but i never DO actually quit. A couple months ago hubby and I quit (for a week or so), no ill effects, felt better, but then he decided that drinking in moderation is ok, and im not able to drink in moderation. so back to the bottle i went.
I dont drink before noon. I dont have hangovers. I do have blanks after drinking.. spots in the night I dont remember, kicking myself for drinking and dialing. I wake up with regret on a regular basis. Last night I started organizing a block party and got a band set up, (but havent invited anyone on the freaking block yet) I drink daily, have for 14 years minus 2 9 month pregger states of being. It started heavily in college, though I drank as a teen too. Now Im a 32 year old with a drinking problem. no, Im a 32 year old with a quitting problem! the drinking i have down pat.
I drink because Im bored. I drink because I worry. I worry because I drink. People know I drink too much. Hubby is upset with me over the last 2 nights, (pretty heavy drinking on my part, more than normal) I think he is an alcoholic too. I know he is. We are different in our habits. He cant go without but can stay in moderation (ive only seen him drunk 2 times in my life) I can go without but cant drink in moderation.
I drink at home to minimize embarassment. If there were a block I could put on the phone so I had no outside contact after 6pm, I would use it ( i start at about 3 pm and am pretty toasty by 6). On the other hand, I dont mind when we have to go somewhere without alcohol. I get tired of drinking, but I just cant seem to quit for good. My grandma sent me a Betty Ford book a couple years ago. I didnt throw it away. I was ashamed of myself that she had noticed, living in another state and never even seeing me. I didnt thow it, but I didnt read it either, till now.
I think Im a functioning alcoholic. whatever that means. I keep it pulled together as best I can to appear to have everything under control. Before I started my own business I avoided company parties specifically because I knew if I drank I would regret every minute. I am a smart drunk. (what an oxymoron) I do feel like I am less than compared to people without a problem. I dont have the self confidence because I think the drink is such a big flaw in me. But I dont feel less than when I actually have a few drinks in me.
Im scared of changes that may come with being sober. Im scared that H and I may not like each other anymore, Im scared of starting over. Im too old to keep starting over again and again.
My kids notice how much I drink.
My kids know to ask if they can have a swig of my cup instead of just taking a swig.
Ive got to change my life. But Im scared to change my life.