may trigger - how I ended up here.
How I ended up at SR, I will try and write this down but please don't be mad if its not allowed please delete.
0-4yrs - witnessed violence towards my family from my old man, he never hit me but he done bad things towards me.
6yrs - 3 weeks of my step brother touching me, he only had se* once with me and I old my old man, that was the last time I saw him as he walked out of my life.
9yrs - r**** by Lee because I wouldn't let him kiss me during school and embrassed him, my own fault I should have let him kiss me and not embrassed him.
10 - 15yrs - se*ually ab*sed by a family friend.
15yrs - r**** by 2 men. my own fault as I was smoking hash.
18yrs - an*l r*** after a fight and getting kicked out a nightclub and walking home alone, my own fault shouldn't have walked home, shouldn't have had a fight.
21yrs - Jumped by 3 unknown men from behind, police closed the case due to not enough evidence.
26yrs - r**** in November & december, my own fault as I had been drinking.
27yrs - se*ually att*cked on holiday, day after I miscarried my first pregnancy.
27yrs - 5 men se*ually att*acked me whilst I was staying in hotel for work, I should have stayed hidden away.
12yrs - current - made a deal of se* for drugs, when I was 18 it changed and he started to become violent and regularly r**** me and "sold" me to friends.
Its all my own fault, I let it happen, I should have been better behaved. I'm a dirty horrible person and I hate me so much. How can I not be to blame?
I started taking drugs at 12, drinking at 15..now my drinking is out of control, I occassionaly take coke, and smoke hash and green. I self medicate with pain killers, and I self harm. I am now abusing my own body and its all my own fault. I deserve everything I get.
I spend the last 2 hours curled on the sofa just crying and i don't know why i was cryin everything that has happened is my own fault. I put myself in danger, i put myself in the situtations., i have slept around, never had protected se* and men can clearly see that I'm a *****, and if I don't give it to them, they take it so now i just let them have se* but I have to be drunk or high. I want to change, I really do, but I'm scared of change and I can't do it on my own, I don't know where to start. I have no confidence, no self esteem, I want to die everyday, everyday I just want to close my eyes and never wake up, i pray everynite for it to be my last and when i wake I'm angry that my cries have gone un heard.
sorry this is long and makes no sense, sorry.