oneeyeopen

Well, I think it might just be...that I broke up with abf. It has gone like this -- I have always told him that we can live together if he is sober, and of course, he has never been sober so, we have not lived together, although we have planned it a number of times. Twice I agreed, we set a date, the first time I backed out right away, uncomfortable about the whole thing, well then right after that his drug relapse begins and that makes the whole thing even more out of the question. the second time he had been clean for a number of weeks, was sober for a few, and then, we went on a vacation, and he went out drinking two of the nights we were there, used all our money on it, even disappeared for a night, so no go on that plan. He says to me that if I agree to let him move in a third time and then back out again then I will never hear from him again.

so...I was looking for a place to live, this cheaper apartment came up in my building, and I decide to go ahead and move in and the abf want to move in too...we talk about the clean and sober thing, but I stupidly agree to the whole thing despite the fact that he knows he can not yet be sober...he is always planning to be sober but it is always out in the future, in a few months, this time the end of summer when he goes back to school...and despite the fact that he has gone out and used every week for the last 5 after 7 clean...

but, then, I am at my shrink's on friday and he says "do you really believe that he won't do drugs again?" and I think to myself...NO. and I realize that I am not comfortable with him moving in but I am doing the codie thing and letting him manipulate me into it, plus, I am doing my usual passive thing -- just letting something happen because I don't know how to make it stop.

So then I think..the only thing that is going to make this not happen is some sort of divine intervention...and voilla, abf calls, says that he doesn't trust his father to help him pay the rent (as he promised) and whether that matters or if he should move in anyway. and I think -- HA, two strikes, can't promise sobriety, can't promise to pay rent. so I tell him, no you can't move in. and he goes to be bummed out in his parent's basement and doesn't even help me, which shocked me more than drugs or drink because that was really unexpected, and he left me and my ancient parents and 14 year old to deal with it on our own.

But, we talk, and I figure, well, we will be together in some way anyway until he is sober (perhaps when he does go back to school as he keeps saying is going to make a difference) But at the same time I don't believe him and I am thinking to myself, ****, he steals from me, he owes me money and never pays it back, etc etc, about all his addict behavior and I am actually enormously relived that he is not moving in and it didn't even require me having a major confrontation with him.

so tonight, we have this phone conversation, and he says "are you going to let me move in or not? I have a guarantee from my dad that he will help pay the rent"...and then I tell him I am not comfortable with him moving in because of the sobriety thing..and things disintegrate (why is it addicts always underplay how their substance abuse can destroy things?) bla bla bla

short and long -- he says we are through because I jerked him around again.

and I guess I did but you know, as I pointed out to him -- would he really want to move in with me feeling uncomfortable like this? and he just doesn't see that this has to do with his drinking and drug use, and his behavior because of those things, he comes up with all sorts of other reasons for this -- I can't commit, I'm just not strong enough..bla bla, well who the heck is strong enough to live with an addict??? who the heck is stupid enough to let an addict MOVE IN while in active addiction. and you know, I just DO NOT believe the whole "living with you would make the difference" thing.

BUT, that is the boring part of this story.

for the last few days as I was moving in her by myself and thinking that it could very well mean the end of the relationship, I didn't feel that panicky feeling I have every other time I was thinking of leaving him. I didn't feel that life is ending feeling or that no one will ever love me again, or I will never have another man in my life or any of those things... mind you, it might be a while...and would the sex ever be that great again??? but that doesn't feel like such a horrible option as living with an addict. and I keep thinking, even if abf was clean and sober all of a sudden tomorrow -- would I really want to live with the ongoing threat of relapse over my head? and what about his other issues -- I think he is essentially unreliable and self-centered (is it those types of people that become addicts or do they become that way because of addiction? I think it just might be that they are those kinds of people in the first place and addiction just heightens that tendancy)

any way, in the mean time I have been thinking about so many of the times when he twisted my words, and pretended he didn't hear me, or interpreted soemthing in a wrong manner and wouldn't beleive me when I tried to explain my truth...not to mention about a million other things about the relationship that bothered me and made me question just how healthy it was, and how many other things about him that bother me and how, even when it has nothing to do with drinking or drugs, he can still make me feel bad about myself, and how rarely I feel like he actually likes me and how he just doesn't seem to enjoy the things about myself that I do, and how our interests are so different. In one year together we have been to two movies together (something I like to do) not one art exhibit (something I like to do) nor has he read a book or a newspaper (something I like to do) yet, I have sat in bars, stood outside crack houses, talked and talked and talked about drinking and drugs. I have picked him up in the middle of the night I have taken him back every single time I told him no more...

well, you all know that story, we have all been through it with an addict...Sheesh, I feel like it is me that has been drinking and doing drugs for the last year, I know more about it now than I ever wanted to.

Yeah, I am in debt and it sucks, but at least I no longer have to feel guilty -- that I am putting the abf's needs in front of mine or my kids, or that I am just going to keep giving him money despite the fact that I shouldn't or that I am going to have more scary angry outbursts and potentially hurt another person or myself.

and at least I don't need to be changing my pin code every week or wondering if the money in my wallet is still going to be there when I wake up

god, what insanity it is to be involved with an addict...why did I do if for a year???

and you know what is funny -- we had 4 really good months and now 8 lousy, and it is almost 1 year to the day since we got together, and a friend told me that you should double the amount of time it is was good to see how long it will take before you get out of it. and I have been wondering if things would be better by now or if we really would end up breaking up.