Ouch, this is gonna hurt;-) I think they're fairly obvious, but not as funny (in a sick sort of way) as yours.
Don't you think you've had enough to drink (Of course not!)
Do you want me to drive? (Why? I'm fine!)
Can you not embarass me tonight? (No prob. I'll just embarass myself)
Did you break my cell phone? (No. It broke itself after I checked your logs and noticed you were calling other men.)
You're too drunk to carry our child on your shoulders (No I'm not. Uh-oh, I just dropped our son on his face)
What happened to the wine I had in the fridge? (I used it for cooking)
Where did all those empties come from in the trash can? (Must've been the neighbor)
I can't understand a word you're saying. Are you drunk again? (No, are you deaf or something?)
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And then there's the quote that's rang in my head since my sobriety date:
I'm done with you, our marriage is over, get out.
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Thanks for the thread Rella!